Five Ways to Undercut Your Wife’s Authority

It’s far too easy to undercut your wife’s authority in your children’s eyes without trying. Here are five ways I’ve found myself accidentally undercutting my wife’s authority with our kids.

1. Saying “I” instead of “we”

One of my daughters asked me yesterday, “Why do you get to tell us what to do?” I answered, “God put daddy in charge of you and unless I tell you to do something that disobeys God, God expects you to obey me.”

It’s right and proper for parents to appeal to their authority from God, but did you see what I did? I used “I” and “my” and “me” language. In this subtle way, it’s easy to undercut my wife.

I’ve tried to switch to “in our house” vs. “in my house” and “because we said so” vs. “because I said so.” It’s a small shift, but it helps my children remember that we are a team and share the authority in parenting.

2. Answering “yes” too early

We all know the game: you get a “no” from dad or mom, so you find the other and ask again. We know the game because we all played the game.

When I say “yes” without checking, I undercut a “no” from my wife and subsequently undercut her authority. The answer to any question is at least “did you ask mom already?” and—if time allows—“Let me talk with mom first.”

3. Stepping in too early

As a dad who works from home, I’m subject to the whims of a 4, 7, and almost 9 year old. I hear each time someone screams, gets hurt, or disobeys.

My instinct is to “step in” and “solve the problem.” My instinct is often selfless, but it undercuts my wife. We’ve started learning that I need to wait until she asks me to help. When she needs help, I am ready to help.

4. Not responding as a team

When I enter the room to help, it’s important not to burst into discipline mode. I’ve tried to get better about privately discussing a solution with my wife and then dealing with the problem as a team.

When I come into the room, my wife should think, “Good, some help.” not “Here comes Rambo!” My kids should hear, “Mom and I talked, and we are going to discipline you like this….”

If you always respond individually when called upon, your children will start to see you as the “real” authority and think less of your wife and her authority.

5. Appealing to fear instead of authority

Most men are more physically intimidating than their wives, and children feel that difference. If you make it a habit to discipline in a way that appeals to fear (e.g., meanly yelling or being physically intimidating to produce obedience) instead of your God-given authority, it can impact how your children see your wife.

They can start to see authority mostly as an expression of anger and intimidation. If your wife rightly disciplines by appealing to her God-given authority and rejects intimidation tactics, she will appear less authoritative, even though she isn’t.

Conclusion

Whether or not you’re trying to help, if your help undercuts your wife, you’re not helping as you should. Talk with your wife and ask her if you do any of these five habits or if there are other ways she feels you undercut her to your kids.