Who's In Charge of Your Home?

You’ve seen the stereotypical depictions from 1950s sitcoms: The traditional “man of the house” sitting back and reading a newspaper while his wife works away in the kitchen and his children fetch his slippers.

Culture has long since departed from this picture of the family, reacting against what is considered to be nothing more than misogyny and patriarchy. In fact, our culture has swung so far in the other direction that there is no prescribed structure for the family at all. I remember reading an article in the New York Times recently entitled “Lessons from a 20-person Polycule”

The article defines a “polycule” as “a synthesis of polyamory — engaging in multiple romantic relationships — and molecule,” and tries its best to describe the interconnections: “Katie is dating Alex. Alex is legally married to Ashley. Chris is legally married to Bine, and Chris and Bine date Alex and Ashley as couples, while Bine has also dated Ashley individually.”

They quote one individual in the polycule as saying, “I hope this is a social movement…The structure of the nuclear family, the nuclear marriage, needs to shift.”

Culture is reacting against the traditional nuclear family, considering it to be outdated at best and abusive at worst.

As we look at the Bible’s description of the family, we see a model that the world would consider outdated:

“18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Colossians 3:18-21

I imagine that if you set forward this passage to any member of that 20-person polycule, they would laugh in your face, writing off this description as archaic and narrow-minded. How are we as Christian husbands and fathers to understand the Bible’s depictions of the family? Does male headship promote abuse? Does the Bible present the man as the “King of His Castle”?

A Counter-Cultural Household Code

Instructions like we find in Colossians 3:18-21 were very common in the ancient world. They are what historians refer to as “household codes.” You can discover household expectations written by Aristotle and other philosophers and thinkers. Like Paul’s instructions in Colossians, household codes included husbands, wives, children, and servants.

But Paul’s code wasn’t traditional.

In traditional household codes, the man was the sovereign ruler, the king of the house. But in Paul’s instructions, the man is not the master – Christ is.

In fact, the book of Colossians sets forth the lordship of Christ over every corner of our lives, including our homes. When Jesus enters the home, he does not overturn the structure of the family. Instead, he transforms the Home. He enters in and declares himself “Lord.” He’s in charge!

There are two ways that Colossians 3:18-21 sets forth Christ’s lordship over the family:

Christ holds the man accountable for his leadership

In traditional household codes of the day, duties for the man were often missing. They would usually focus on the obedience of the subordinates.

Douglas Moo comments on Colossians 3:18-21, “no other code we have discovered from the ancient world requires husbands to love their wives.”¹ But not only does Christ place a responsibility on the man to love his wife, but he also sets limits to his authority:

“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

As husbands, we have no right to control, manage, or subjugate our wives; we are commanded to love them! Most household codes focused on the rights of the husband as head of the home. But since Christ is Lord over the home, he issues expectations and responsibilities to the husband.

Paul follows the command with a warning: the husband is not to be “harsh” toward his wife. You would think that this command is already implied in the command to love your wife, so why does Paul include it?

Because whenever anyone is given authority, their sinful nature will tend to abuse that authority - to use it for their own selfish reasons rather than for the good of others. If you are harsh, angry, insensitive, impatient toward your wife, you are not submitting to the Lordship of Christ! Since Christ is Lord of the home, he sets the terms for the husband’s leadership.

We see the exact same pattern given to fathers:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

In the ancient world, one would expect to hear the command, “children do not provoke your fathers.” But Christ puts the responsibility on the man of the house: “Don’t provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”² Since he has been given authority by Christ, the Lord of the Home, a dad must be careful to wield that authority with kindness.

If you’re a dad, Christ has given you authority–Make sure you use it the way he wants you to.

We must be careful not to provoke or embitter our children by the way we lead the home. Jesus has not given us the right to lead with anger, causing our kids to tip-toe around us and keep us calm. Jesus has not given us the right to cause frustration and bitterness in our kids by our inconsistency and lack of clarity. We aren’t ultimately in charge—Jesus is!

The Bible’s structure for the family isn’t abusive or misogynistic. Instead, it points to the transformative power of Christ’s presence in the home. The man is called to lead, but he must do so according to the terms Christ has set and the limits Christ has established.

Christ is the ultimate motivation for submission

There’s one more way we see Christ’s lordship in the home impact the family roles. When Paul instructs wives and children, he presents Jesus as their ultimate motivation, not the man.

The wife submits to her husband “as is fitting in the Lord” (v. 18). When the wife needs motivation toward submission, she looks past her imperfect husband and toward her perfect savior, the true Lord of the Home.

Children are to obey their parents in everything, “for this pleases the Lord” (v. 20). Children obey, not ultimately to make their parents happy, but to please their savior, Jesus Christ.

While the man is called to lead his family, he has no right to present himself as the ultimate motivation and reason for submission and obedience. Only Jesus can serve that purpose.

God has a beautiful structure for the family. That good structure is abused when men, rather than point to Jesus as the Lord of the home, place that crown on their own head and set themselves up as the sovereign ruler. But abuse of that structure should not mean the structure itself is defective.

Rather than allow culture to topple the structure of the family, we should allow Jesus to rule as Lord over the family.