How to Make Hard Decisions as a Dad

Recently, my wife and I were faced with a difficult decision. The pressure was heavy. The implications were large. There were lots of complicated factors to consider. We had a deadline. And perhaps most challenging of all, we were not always on the same page about the decision.

Men, have you faced a situation like this in your marriage? If not, it’s probably coming. Since last week, I have spoken with three other Christian men who were facing decisions. The fact is that all of us will face difficult leadership decisions as the heads of our households. The real question is, “How will we respond in those situations?” Here are some basic principles I seek to apply when making decisions for my family.

1. Cleanse your heart.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.” Sin in your life will separate you from God’s wisdom (Ps 66:18; Jas 1:5-8). This is why it is vital to walk with Jesus at all times but especially when contemplating major life changes. If there is big sin in your life right now, and you’re making a big decision, stop! Deal with your sin first. There will be time to make the decision later.

Even if there is no major sin in your life, ask God to reveal the heart sins that you may not be aware of (Ps 139:23–24). Ask honestly whether you are struggling with pride, selfishness, discontentment, greed, or fear. I am so thankful for how God uses difficult decisions to expose my unbiblical thinking and sinful motivations and to draw me closer to Him.

2. Apply the Scriptures.

You must decide to let God’s word guide your choices (Ps 119:105; Prov 3:5-6). Your personal desires will naturally make certain alternatives more appealing to you than others. However, you must be careful that your sinful desires/idols are not leading you astray (Jas 1:14-15; 4:1–4). Family members and friends will want to speak into your decision. However, even before you hear advice, settle in your heart that you will obey God first (Ac 4:19; 5:29).

Hopefully, you have prepared for this day by reading and studying your Bible (Ps 119:11; 2 Tim 2:15). You will need to access that stored knowledge now to make a godly decision.

• Are there biblical commands or principles that rule out any of your options?¹
• Which biblical values should weigh heaviest in your thinking?
• How should the “golden rule” inform your reasoning (Mat 7:12)?
• Given your particular gifts, abilities, and circumstances, which option would best enable you and your family to advance the Great Commission (Mat 28:18-20)?
• Which choice do you think would best honor God (1 Cor 10:31)?

If your Bible knowledge is lacking, ask your pastor or a godly friend for help thinking through biblical principles. (See #4 below.) He may be able to point you to a good pamphlet, blog article, podcast, or book on the topic.²

3. Ask God for wisdom.

James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” Take time for prayer. You wouldn’t think twice about spending an hour talking to a friend about your decision.

Why not devote an hour to prayer about it? Better yet, carve out half a day. Go to a nearby park or other quiet place. Take a Bible, a notebook, and a pen. Turn your phone on “do not disturb” and pray!

4. Write.

This is a very practical suggestion. Getting your thoughts “out of your head” and onto paper (or an electronic document or note) can help you to organize them. Once your thoughts are more organized, they will be easier for you and others to evaluate biblically.

If you are anything like me, you will probably find that as you write, difficult questions begin answering themselves.

5. Seek godly counsel.

Proverbs 11:14 says, “In the multitude of counselors there is safety.” Husbands, this means first and foremost consulting your wife. Asking what she thinks (and listening well!) will help you understand her better so that you can make good decisions with her best interests in mind (Philip 2:4; Pet 3:7).

Ideally, you should make the decisions together! In rare cases, being the head of your household may require you to make the “executive decision.” However, even in these cases, make sure to prioritize what’s best for your wife and your children over your own personal preferences. Doing so is an important way to love them and imitate Jesus (Eph 5:25-32).

Here are some traits to look for in other counselors you might consult.

• Look for a friend who knows God’s Word, knows you, and knows your situation.³
• Look for a mature believer who has faced a similar dilemma and is willing to share what happened. Older believers who are willing to give you their time are a goldmine of wisdom (1 Cor 11:1; 2 Tim 3:10-11).⁴
• Look for good listeners. You don’t want someone who answers a matter before he hears it (Prov 18:13).
• Look for someone you trust to be brutally honest (Prov 27:6).⁵

6. Decide by faith.

Wouldn’t we all love to know before making a decision what the results of that decision would be? Granted, we ought to look ahead and anticipate possible outcomes (Prov 21:5; 22:3). But we can never know what the future will hold (Jas 4:13-16). Because of this, every major decision is a step of faith. We search the Scriptures, pray, seek godly counsel, and then make the best decision we can and trust God with the results. Here is a promise that should encourage us along these lines.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”* (Romans 8:28)

God’s highest priority for you is that you become more like Jesus. And He is going to use every circumstance in your life including this decision (even if you make the “wrong” one!) to accomplish that purpose. You can rest in that promise.

There is a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, Christian Dad. But God will give you everything that you need to fulfill the role that He gave you—and that includes the wisdom you need to make good decisions (2 Cor 9:8). Will you trust in Him?